From time to time I find myself wanting more than just sex from a man. It isn’t often but when it does happen I always seem to find myself wanting after men that can never fully give themselves to me. After my first high school boyfriend I fell for an older man and for 3 years he strung me along and I deluded myself into thinking one day we’d be together. Apart from the 15 year age difference, apart from the fact he’d had kids and wanted no more and even apart from the fact he had proposed marriage to another woman. There was then the interstater who had never gotten over his ex who tore his heart out. The endless conversations that she seemed to slip her way in to the hundreds of kilometres apart we were and again a very large age difference. This time 18 years. Now I find myself again yearning for someone who is never there. Someone who just disappears for weeks at a time. A person who would never invite me to his house, who always wants to meet during the day. I have point blank asked if he is married the answer is no. So why can I not have this man who continues to evade my every grasp. We have not even met, every time there is an excuse, pain, jail the list just keeps getting longer. I wonder to myself do I purposefully seek these people? Am I as my best friend put it “an emotional masochist”? With the last 2 men I mentioned I had had the conversation with them about monogamy and how I did not see this as something I wanted to engage in. Mr Interstater said that wasn’t an option however changed his mind once we’d had a falling out and had tried to sort things out for the god knows what numbered time. Mr Excuses was open to it, he had mentioned it before I had formally brought it up, joking about sharing me on our wedding night. I’m not known for being much of a romantic however whenever this man mentions anything about a future together my heart twinges, this worries me and excites me all at the same time. How on earth can these things be spoken about when we are yet to even lay eyes on each other in person?
With the coming of a new year I have found myself reflecting. In the last few months I have given up the sex site, which some day I find myself longing for the sexual companionship of like minded people, however I for the most part find many of the people there do not come across as genuine and am glad it is no longer in my life. I have also taken to my contact list and cleared it of all negative people and those who only feel the need to contact me when they are feeling a little toey.
I am not sure if I have mentioned it before but I have a real fear that because of my attitude toward sex and my low tolerance for bullshit I will spend my life alone. I do not know if I will find a man who will be able to embrace my sexuality, allow me the independence I need as well as support me and love me just as I am. I struggle to find someone who is genuinely interested in me as a person because I am so open about my sexuality. People see that as a green light to get into my pants and on occasion I have found myself feeling angry and empty. I have tried to suppress my sexuality in the hopes that I will find someone who will like my personality and then go from there. However I struggle to keep who I am hidden and don’t really see the point in deceiving myself and an innocent bystander just to try and fill some void. The void became much larger this year and I find myself feeling lonely and vulnerable. It is not often I would blog about my emotion but they seem to be getting the better of me these days.
Since giving up the sex site I have not had sex, I want to I just haven’t found anyone that I want to fuck. I have had offers, a few from younger guys but I am not sure that I am in a mindset that will let me tolerate and attempt to teach them what the fuck they need to do. One of the young gentleman mentioned that he cums quickly and I know that while in theory I am ok with that if he satisfies me in other way I know I’m going to be pissed off if he blows his load after 3 thrusts. Why is it so hard to find a sexually mature man who can hold a conversation and isn’t threatened by a woman with a back bone? I find a lot of men are intimidated by headstrong women, I joke about becoming meek and mild, I know this would make life infinitely easier. Though they say good things don’t come easy.
So I will end this rant on a positive note and say fuck them all, I am who I am and if I happen to find someone who can embrace that they will be a lucky man to have me. If not I will keep on keeping on and surround myself with positive people who I can love and who can encourage me to be the best I can be.
So keep getting sexy everyone out there! Orgasms should be your drug of choice.
Munch Rugs Not Drugs!
PEACE AND LUST
SEXY JESS
No comments:
Post a Comment