Through this journey though I find myself struggling with my identity. I've been a big girl for a long long time. It's become part of who I am. I have no shame in being overweight. I am happy with who I am and how I look physically, this was a matter of my inside well being over my outer looks. After getting with my first boyfriend when I was 14 I gained a whopping 80kg, before being with him I played representative netball, weighed 80-85kg and was a size 14-16. Within being with him for a year I weight 160kg and was a size 26. I don't know how it happened, I don't remember it happening, I just woke up one day and thought to myself FUCK! So now it's been a long hard road back to where I came from.
I have no desire to be skinny. I don't even think I'd know how to handle it! I've always been solid and that's the way I want to keep it. I have learnt to embrace being 'curvy' or a 'bbw' and have built my sexuality around that so now I find myself wondering where I will fit. It seems to me in the 'adult' world women are either teeny tiny sticks or round and robust. Where do you fit when you are in the middle. I spend a lot of time on tumblr and it was here that the thought first popped into my head. I also worry about how I will look once I've lost all the weight I want to. Will I still be pretty? Will I just be ordinary? So many things run through my head every day.
I've spoken to some of my friends before about this but never been game to put my thoughts into the public domain. I wonder if I will resent the people that show me attention once I have lost my weight. Will I become bitter (or even more so) of those who now pursue me, will I question if they would have when I was 'fat'. That's another issue I have a problem with. People telling me I'm not fat. I hold no shame with the word fat. I am FAT! I am no sad about that, I don't view it as a negative perception of myself. It is the trust. I am a fat woman. I think maybe I will always inside be a fat woman even once my exterior no longer matches that description.
I haven't taken any pics of myself really since starting the journey. I seem to be too tired and too sore to feel sexy which kind of makes me sad. I am proud of myself for pushing my limits and sticking to the plan. I am proud of myself for who I was and the resolve I had on myself as a person and I am proud of the person who I will become. Who has sacrificed for my greater well being and pushed through mental brick walls that at times feel like they will never crumble.
I hope everyone else is happy with themselves. Who you are on the outside as well as all the inner workings. Love yourself, as my personal trainer says (and I roll my eyes at) Be the best you you can be. If you aren't happy with something change it! Don't live a life where you aren't making the most of your time here. If other people aren't happy with you (a lot of people aren't with me) fuck them! It's your life! Do whatever the fuck makes you happy and I hope that involves a whole lotta orgasmic pleasure!
PEACE AND LUST
SEXY JESS
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